Oh that word….grief….such a small word with huge implications on ones life. When I looked up the definition of grief, it started out by stating that grief is a multifaceted response to loss. I think that is a perfect way to start the definition bc there are so many facets to the grief response. I have approached and passed the 3rd year anniversary of the loss of my son. As I reflect on the last 3 years, I have realized how my grief response has shaped me, carried me and changed over the last 3 years. Grief is not just a emotional response, it also has physical, behavioral, cognitive, social, and philosophical facets.
One thing I noticed is some things and places that brought so many tears and so much pain, have now become a source of comfort admist the pain. The Lord has a funny way of bringing you to the crossroads of dealing with pain and loss but comforting you at the same time. After we lost Jude, I thought there would be no way I could revisit the local children’s hospital ever again. That place was tied to so many painful and sad memories, after all it was the place I left my baby boy laying in an ICU bed and had to walk away and never bring him home again. Ugh!!! Talk about a deep pain like no other in this world.
The crazy thing about that children’s hospital is that it has become a source of comfort. We have since been blessed with a baby girl who has the same condition her big brother passed away from. (Pulmonary Vein Stenosis). With this diagnosis came a flood of emotions, and it also landed us right back at the local children’s hospital…..the place I thought I could never go back. God has taken that dreadful place from a place of pain to a place of comfort and peace. Not only did that hospital act as a vessel to get our baby girl where she needed to go to save her life, it has been a place we have had to go to monthly if not weekly for blood work over the last 7 months. God has forced me to face my pain and see that pain through different eyes. With each visit for our baby girl, the drive and the walk up to that hospital got easier and easier. I had time to walk thru the hospital and remember different things that took place in many areas of the hospital. I strangely felt so close to my son, Jude, while I was there. I guess it was the last place I saw him, the last place I held him, and the last place I kissed those soft cheeks. It was the place I handed him back to his creator. When I am there with Jaylie, his baby sister….I just feel like I have my two babies together in a place that has helped and is helping my children. I know Jude is not actually in the hospital, I am not a crazy person 🙂 but there is a comfort and peace when I walk into that building I feel like it is God and Jude’s presence. It is really cool to see how God has taken such a painful experience and turned it into something good….only God can do something so amazing.
GRIEF is a crazy roller coaster ride but I trust the Lord and his plan for this ride.